The Dredded Zero
by Spades27
Summary: A Mega City One Judge. A struggling noble mage. Mix them together and watch as they experience humorous cultural misunderstandings, uncomfortable amounts of violence, and waayy too many hormones. NOT a pairing. Seriously though, please read this. You won't regret it. (I hope)
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note and Summary**: Welcome dear reader to my crossover fic. I honestly didn't think I would _ever_ write one of these, until my room mate forced me to watch this anime named Familiar of Zero. And I hated it. I found most of the characters to be incredibly annoying and poorly written. But, just like Evanescence (don't ask), I couldn't seem to get the damn thing out of my head. Then, after watching Dredd for the millionth time it hit me. What if Louise summoned a Judge? How hilarious would that be? So, with that in mind I started writing... (Also, final note, Judges' uniforms look like the ones from Dredd. It's heresy, I know, but I like the look better. Also the Lawmaster looks like this: art/Lawmaster-413068034 ) I own nothing, so please don't sue.

The Dark Judges are back. I haven't slept in over thirty six hours. No Judge in the city has. We have to stop these creeps from succeeding in whatever genocidal scheme they've got cooked up because the _last_ time they won they turned the entire damn city into a charnel house. We still don't know the actual body count from the Necropolis Incident, probably never will. Suddenly my comm squawks.

"All Judges this is Control. Dark Judges have been sighted in front of Yamaguchi Block. Repeat Dark Judges sighted at Yamaguchi Block. All units converge on this location." Yamaguchi Block. I was only five miles away. I gunned the engine, my Lawmaster roaring loud enough to wake the dead. As I approached Yamaguchi Block Judge Lassiter pulled up alongside me.

"Hey Creep, speeding'll getcha up to three years in an Iso-Cube" she calls out, a giant grin on her face. I answer with a grin of my own. Most of us Judges defaulted to stern glowers when in the field. The common consensus was that the Law was no laughing matter and looking constantly pissed would help intimidate creeps. Lassiter didn't subscribe to that theory. She did everything with a giant grin. And it worked too. Nobody had any idea how to deal with a Judge who seemed positively _delighted_ to see them. Lassiter was a lot of fun.

"Got any food? I can't remember the last time I ate." I asked her. Hopefully she would have a spare ration bar.

"Nope, I was eating my last bar when I got the call. Had to toss it."

"Drokk!" Ration Bars were about as appetizing as freeze dried concrete but they had everything you needed to keep functioning. Full day's allotment of protein, vitamins and minerals. Maybe I could bum one from one of the other Judges. Yamaguchi Block came into view. A small army of Judges waited in front of the massive structure. Judge Urban waved us over.

"What's the situation sir?" Lassiter asked .

"The four Dark Judges walked in seven minutes ago. We've got no idea what they're doing. This could just be a killing spree or they could be after something specific. We're going in in three minutes. Sweep the block top to bottom. Remember, if you see a Dark Judge _call in_! We've already lost a hundred and twenty Judges to these bastards. You have your Boing grenades?" We both nodded. Ever since Judge Anderson first trapped Judge Death with the clear rubbery plastic stuff it had become part of our standard anti Dark Judge load out.

"Sir, do you have a spare Ration Bar? I'm out." Judge Urban nodded and tossed me one.

"Eat it later. We're moving out." I nodded and slipped it into an empty pouch. We all drew our Lawgivers, paired up, and advanced on the atrium. I wasn't particularly surprised to find the atrium full of bodies. Massive casualties were to be expected. A few meters away one of the newer Judges threw up.

"Get you stomm together rookie." The Judge next to him growled. We began clearing the block. Finally Lassiter and I heard screaming on the fifty seventh floor. The source was Judge Fear. Or rather, the civilians he was killing. Lassiter and I opened fire. The rounds from our lawgivers punched through him. At least, I'm pretty sure Fear is a him. The emaciated phobia-phile turned, his grated mask swinging open.

"Gaaazze into the face of Feeeaaarrr!" He snarled. I was prepared for this. I had already gone through this routine once and wound up in a coma for a week. That wasn't going to be an option this time. As the mind numbing, heart stopping terror began to creep over me I held down the trigger and Fear screeched in... well, I guess it was pain, it might have been frustration. The best news was I managed to wing his Dimension Jump. At least he would have a harder time escaping. Judge Fear ducked around a corner, so I called it in and checked on Lassiter. Next to me Lassiter had collapsed against the wall and started whimpering. I was impressed. This was a pretty good reaction to catching a face full of Fear's ugly mug. I knelt down and barked,

"Lassiter!" She jumped and tilted her head towards me.

"On your feet Lassiter!" I bellowed, doing my best drill sergeant impression. She jumped up, snapping to attention on reflex. I smirked.

"I could get used to you saluting me." She relaxed and looked around, then groaned and punched me in the arm.

"Not a chance in hell. Come on, let's go light that drokker on fire." She joked, a light quaver in her voice. Yeah, she'd be fine.

"I nailed his dimension jump and he took off in this direction." We took off after Fear, following the trail of bodies. It lead towards the balcony over looking the atrium. Suddenly a loud thump echoed up to us. Looking over the balcony I saw Fear's spirit form invade a corpse lying next to the remains of his previous meat suit. Standing up, the newly reborn Judge Fear started struggling into his vestments of office. Lassiter and I sprinted for the elevator. If we hurried we could catch him with his pants down. Literally...I really didn't want that image in my head. We reached the elevator and punched the ground floor button. The ride seemed to take forever. As the doors opened I raised my Lawgiver and rushed out into the atrium, just in time to see Judge Fear exit through the front doors. I bolted after him, Lassiter right on my heels yelling into her comm.

"Judge Lassiter to Control. Judge Fear is making a break for it at Yamaguchi Block. Judge Wolfram and I are in pursuit." As we exited the superstructure we saw Judge Fear snap a civilian's neck with one of his man traps and steal his bike. The Dark Judge peeled out, his cape streaming majestically behind him. Lassiter and I jumped onto our Lawmaster and took off after him, along with three other Judges and a Manta Tank. Judge Fear was weaving through traffic like a madman... which I guess he was. We turned on our sirens. They wouldn't stop the Dark Judge, but if the civilians got out of the way the Manta could light the bastard up with its main cannon. No such luck. I gunned my bike and slipped between two cars, trying to catch up with the fleeing Judge. My fellow Judges were trying every trick in the book to close the gap. All we needed was a clear line of fire and we could shoot out Fear's tires with our Lawmaster's cannons. Swerving around a minivan I saw my opening. There was a line of large trucks, with enough space between them for my bike to fit. I hit the boost and held on as my bike accelerated from forty miles per hour to about ninety in the space of two seconds. For a moment I wished tires were still made of rubber instead of a more durable semi-rigid polymer. That way I could leave a trail of molten rubber and flames. What? I may be an unyielding bastion of order in the face of the bed of anarchy that was Mega City One, but Judges are allowed to have whimsical dreams too. But I digress. As my world turned to barely recognizable streaks of color and the roar of the wind I struggled to keep track of Judge Fear. There! He was dodging into the lane adjacent to mine, a couple of rounds from a Lawgiver zipping past his helmet. Thank god for adrenaline. I just want to say that right now. I shouldn't have even been awake at this point, which probably explains why I did what I did next. Instead of doing the rational thing and pulling up alongside the Dark Judge to put a few rounds into his tires with the Widowmaker 2000 holstered on the side of my bike, I swung in just behind Fear and let loose with my bike cannons. To be clear, these are two .50 caliber machine guns mounted on either side of the front wheel. The do _a lot_ of damage. And I used these two cannons on a target approximately twenty meters in front of me. Needless to say, the carnage was _spectacular_. So here I am, standing on the brakes barreling towards a cartwheeling flaming motorcycle wreck, Fear is on fire and screaming, cars are swerving, trying to get out of the way, and I just _know_ that if I survive this little incident, Dredd himself will kill me for endangering civilian lives. I don't think things can get any worse. So, naturally, they do. Do you remember Judge Fear's dimension jumper? The one I clipped earlier? Apparently all it needed was some percussive maintenance, because the damn thing activates. A glowing green portal appears, swallowing Judge Fear, the giant flaming fragmentation grenade that was his motorcycle, and myself. _Wonderful_. I hope inter-dimensional kidnappings don't count as dereliction of duty. I find myself driving...drifting...flying? Whatever, I currently surrounded by a green tinged void.

"My servant that exists somewhere in this vast universe..." and young girl's voice echoes through the green tinged void I find myself occupying. Great, now I'm hearing things.

"...my divine, beautiful, wise, powerful servant, heed my call..." the girl's voice continues to echo through wherever the hell I am. It sounds like some kind of incantation, like in one of those crazy cults we occasionally have to stamp out. I don't like where this is going.

"...I wish from the very bottom of my heart and add to my guidance and appear!" There's a flash and a roar. Oh goody, I appear to be exploding. _Drokk_ me, this day sucks.


	2. Chapter 2

So, 143 views, three follows and one favorite in two days? Color me impressed dear readers. Good news for those of you enjoying this story, I actually have several chapters ready to go already so I'll probably be uploading at a rather rapid rate (heh, alliteration) over the next week. So keep reading por favor, and since this is my very first story some reviews would be quite helpful. Now...enjoy!

Chapter 2

I cough as the smoke begins to clear. Arms? Check. Legs? Check. Fingers, toes? Check check. Lawmaster? Still purring like a lion, thank god. Now, where the drokk am I? Oh good, the smoke's cleared now I can...I am surrounded by children. The crowd of ridiculously dressed teenagers stands gaping at me, with a motley assortment of genetically modified animals wandering about. Judge Fear is nowhere to be seen. As Judge in Mega City One I've seen some really weird stomm, but this? This takes the cake. Standing in front of me is a short pink haired girl, looking a bit frazzled, probably from the explosion. I kick down the kickstand, letting my bike idle. Some of the juves in the crowd start calling some thing, but I don't recognize the language. The pink haired girl turns to a balding man standing nearby. Probably the cult leader, judging by his stern tone. He's replies, and she starts saying something. I size him up. He's wearing a long coat robe thing and carrying a staff. Wait, the pink haired juve is doing something...she just kissed me. What. The. Drokk. That's it. We're done here. I ignore the burning wave of pain that begins to sweep over me. I am Mega City One Judge. I can handle a little pain, and right now, I'm operating one training so ingrained it's become instinct.

"Assaulting a Judge, two years Juve Cubes" I growl, channeling my inner Dredd as I step forward and punch the girl in the face. She drops like a rock, stunned or unconscious I don't care. The balding cult leader yells something and starts forward, a ball of fire appearing in his palm. I bring up my Lawbringer and call "Stun." Hearing the comforting 'thwee-weep' as my gun's onboard computer cycles the proper ammo type I put two stun rounds in his chest. He goes down screaming, muscles twitching as the amps disrupt his nervous system. The other juves start screaming, running every which way, several tripping over themselves in their haste to clear the area. I let them go. The Law dictates that I should chase them, after all, fleeing a Judge is punishable by up to three years in the Iso-cubes. I finally take a good look at my surroundings. Should have done that earlier, I really need some sleep. I'm standing in the middle of a large lawn, surrounded by the stone walls of a castle, like the type you see in those medieval holotapes. Oh god, this isn't one of those crazy full sensory entertainment suites is it? I remember one time when a perp managed to turn his whole house into one. That was one the craziest arrests I've ever experienced. No wait, dimension jump, right, this is real. I hate dimension jumps _somuch_. I sway a little bit, sleep deprivation and the tail end of my adrenaline rush catching up to me. Can't sleep now, too many variables. I roll the dazed girl and stunned man over and zip tie their hands behind their backs. After taking a second to think about it I zip tie their feet too. Can't have them running off and I doubt a meat wagon is gonna be by any time soon. With no remaining threats in sight I activate my comms. It's a long shot, but it's better than doing nothing.

"Judge Wolfram to Control, come in Control." I get static back. Oh well, can't say I'm surprised. Hopefully Lassiter has called this in by now. I doubt Tech Division will be able to do anything until they apprehend the three remaining Dark Judges, but at least they'll know what happened. My stomach growls almost as loudly as my bike. Well, now's as good a time as any to eat. Plus the energy booster in the Ration Bar should keep me awake long enough to find some place safe. I unwrap the bar and sit down in my bike's seat, in case I need a quick getaway. Ugh, ration bars. Oh well, better than nothing. I eat swiftly, not wanting the bars to spend any more time on my tongue than it absolutely has to. The ground starts to rumble as I finish, but before I can react four thick earth walls rise up out of the ground, trapping me. Just before they get past eye level I spot the culprit. It's a young woman accompanied by an old man. The woman has green hair pulled back into a ponytail and is wearing a maroon cape, while the old man has a truly spectacular beard and is wearing some baggy blue robes. Before I can see much more I trapped as the walls rise up over my head. Weird. So, apparently these people can control their environment some how. Must be some advanced form of telekinesis, like a couple of the more powerful Psi-Judges. Oh _stomm_, I hope they don't have too many psychics here. With Judge Fear on the loose, assuming he landed around here somewhere, this could get very messy. I take a deep breath and begin looking for a way out. Hi-ex rounds are out. There's no way I want one of those going off right next to my head. Blast wave would probably kill me in such a confined space. Looking up I see the the walls are high, but there's no roof. So...I can climb out. Maybe with some inventive use of my bike's tow cable and my boot knife. Still, I don't want to leave my bike behind. Lawmasters are expensive, and that bike's been with me for seven years now. It's a bit ridiculous for a Judge to get attached to a piece of equipment, but most of us do. Especially when our equipment is coded to our DNA and voice commands. Before I can do anything a small hole appears in the wall. Definitely telekinesis. Drokk, this isn't going to end well. A voice that I assume belongs to the old man filters through the hole. I still have no idea what he's saying.

"Assaulting an Officer of the Law can be punished by up to ten years in an Iso-Cube. Desist and I may be merciful." I growl out a response. He probably can't understand me either, so the gesture is futile, but I'm a Judge and the Law is the Law. When in doubt, default to training. I faintly hear some whispering. Then the presumably old man says something. It sounds like a question. Taking a shot in the dark I answer,

"No, I can't understand you. Obviously." Some more whispering. Then the old man says something else. It goes on for a while, and when he finally stops I respond.

"Yeah, I still can't understand you. Talking at more won't help." Unexpectedly he replies,

"Oh I think it will." _DROKK!_ One of them must have a pretty powerful telepath to be able to pull a language out of someone's head like that. We all receive mental barrier training at the academy and mine are supposed to be pretty strong. Sleep deprivation is really drokking with me. I try the tried and true Judge response. Repeating the Law should help strengthen my barriers. Hell, it's why Dredd's are supposed to be damn near impenetrable.

"This is Judge Wolfram of Mega City One. Kidnapping and assaulting an Officer of the Law is punishable by life in an Iso-Cube without parole. Given the extenuating circumstances, I'm willing to show leniency, but only if you drop these walls. _Now_." I growl in my Judge voice. All Judges have a 'Judge Voice.' You know the one. The brusque, stern, faintly annoyed growl that never seems to change. Well, except Lassiter. She goes for...bubbly. It's a bit disconcerting.

"...What?" The old man asks. He's clearly confused. I'm not surprised. It's a whole new dimension after all, but half a Judge's power comes from sounding authoritative. The other half is the Law and a really big gun.

"You heard me." I growl back. Surprisingly, after a hurried whisper session they drop the earth walls. Now that I show it. I've set my face firmly into the disapproving frown all Judges use when confronting potential law breakers. The old man, who is apparently the leader, is being flanked by the green haired lady and the balding man I stunned. Who looks _pissed_ by the way. I keep a hand on my Lawgiver, judging from the way he's looking at me I may need to stun him again in the near future. I notice they've also cut the pink haired girl free. She's sporting a truly magnificent black eye and appears to be sobbing. Hopefully she's learned her lesson about doing...whatever it was she did... to a Judge. I turn my attention back to the old man, who's glaring at me something fierce.

"Who are you and why did you assault my poor student?" he snarls at me. I let it pass, this time.

"I am Judge Wolfram, and your student assaulted me. I was in the middle of apprehending an extremely dangerous criminal when I suddenly find myself pulled into a dimensional jump. Imagine my surprise when the first thing that happens upon my arrival is a pink haired juvie kissing me and causing my arm to feel like it's on fire." I growl back. The old man stops and thinks about this for a second, so the blading one jumps in.

"So you _punch her in the face_?! And then you shot me!" He yelled.

"You were approaching me with an incendiary weapon. And she got off easy. Normally I would have stunned her like I did you, or used my daystick." I replied evenly, patting the titanium core baton that was a Judge's standard issue melee weapon. I was met with looks of outrage and horror.

"How could you be so cruel?" The bald one asked.

"The Law is swift and unyielding. There wouldn't be any permanent damage, so I don't see the problem." Again I was met met with horrified stares. Clearly these people were far too soft on their criminals.

"I...think we should discuss this further in my office." The old man said slowly. "Miss Longueville, would you please escort Miss Valliere to the Healer's Office." The green haired lady, who had been silent up to this point, nodded and said

"Of course Principal Osmond." She walked over to the pink haired girl, who was still crying, and gently took her by the arm. The walked off towards the central tower of the complex. The old man, Osmond, started to walk after them. He beckoned me to follow. I nodded slightly, then turned and powered down my Lawmaster. The bike would be safe, seeing as how it couldn't be started with out me. Then I turned and walked after him.


	3. Chapter 3

So, loving the positive feedback so far. You guys have really blown my expectations out of the water. It has come to my attention that some readers may not have a comprehensive and in-depth knowledge base regarding Judge Dredd lore. So I thought I'd help you guys out here. I'll start with a couple definitions: Drokk = Fuck, Stomm = Shit, Grudd = an esoteric combination of Crap and God, so it'll be used interchangeably with those words. Next, our protagonist (Judge Wolfram) does _not_, in fact, have any jurisdiction. Judge training is just so ingrained that he enforces Mega City laws anyways. Finally, you can find a fairly comprehensive list of Mega City One laws online by googling 'Mega City One Laws.' Hope this helps dear readers. Now, enjoy...

Chapter 3

As I followed Osmond through the tower I noted that there were several men and women busy doing menial jobs that would ordinarily be fulfilled by robots. Human servants, interesting. We came across a couple of students, all of whom took one look at me and quickly made themselves scarce. Clearly word traveled fast around here. Or perhaps I was just that intimidating. Hard to tell really.

Eventually we made it to the top room of the middle tower. It was spacious, with a couple of cabinets filled with books and a dark blue carpet. Osmond sat down behind a large hardwood desk and motioned for me and the bald man to take a seat. We did. He looked at me sternly and cleared his throat.

"Won't you please remove your helmet?"

"No." He blinked.

"I don't know where you're from but here it's considered rude to wear head coverings in doors." he admonished.

"And where is here exactly?" I asked. Clearly I wasn't in any dimension Mega City One scientists had discovered. To be fair they had only really discovered two. One destroyed by a plague, and the other was the home of the Dark Judges.

"You are at the Tristain Academy, in the nation of Tristain. We are one of the five holy nations founded by Brimir in the land of Halkeginia." He answered. Uh oh. Holy nations? This could be a problem. Theocracies tended to be rather resistant to things that disrupted their world view. Like, say, a dimension hopping Judge. My face remained stony as I nodded for him to continue.

"The Tristain Academy is the premier school for young mages on the continent. Now, where are you from." Young mages? Hmm, psychic powers viewed through the lens of medieval theology and superstition? Whatever, I'd figure that out later.

"I'm from Mega City One. This may not come as a complete surprise to you, but I'm from a different dimension." I stated evenly.

"Mega City?" The balding man next to me asked.

"An massive city covering the North Eastern sea board of the North American continent. Hence, Mega City...you do have cities right?" I answered.

"Yes we have cities," both Osmond and the bald guy answered in an exasperated tone.

"Earlier you said you were a judge. Why are you armed?" Osmond asked. They must have a system similar to the one used before the Atomic War. Law officers would apprehend criminals and judges would sentence them based on their crime. Given the apparently medieval setting, trials may be optional. I'd have to explain this one.

"In Mega City One there are twelve serious crimes reported every minute, with an average of seventeen thousand per day. We can only respond to about six percent of them. That is why I'm armed. As an officer of the Law I am judge, jury, and executioner. Any other system is too slow and inefficient to maintain even a semblance of order." I replied. "Even working almost twenty four hours a day on five day shifts we can't keep up. A Judge on shift only stops working to eat, and while on duty we sleep in chambers specially designed to simulate a full nine hours sleep in about fifteen minutes. There just aren't enough Judges." Osmond and the bald guy, I can't believe I still don't know his name, looked shocked.

"Now, how did I get here, why did that pink haired girl kiss me, and how do I get back?" I asked, "oh, and what's your name?" I pointed to the bald guy. He shifted, looking slightly uncomfortable. My Judge instincts told me I wasn't going to like a couple of his answers.

"My name is Colbert. You were summoned here by Miss Louise Valliere to be her familiar. She kissed you because that's how the contract is completed. And...we can't send you back." I sat in silence for a few seconds, staring at him. He started to sweat, looking fairly nervous.

"What?" I asked, my voice coming out as a quiet growl.

"You see," he began quickly, "a familiar's job is to serve as it's master's protector and servant. The contract binds the two of you together. Permanently." I let that sink in for a bit once he finished.

"So, basically, I was kidnapped and enslaved by a prepubescent child. Forever." I stated, very calmly, taking deep breaths.

"Uh...well..." The man, Colbert, suddenly seemed to realize that he was well within arm's reach of a man who spent almost every waking moment arresting and killing violent criminals. I was going to kill him. And then the old man. And then the girl. It isn't normally proper for Judges to act out of emotion, but just this once, the Law is _definitely_ on my side. I was going to _end_ this slavery ring. Violently.

"You're the first human familiar we've ever seen, butintheoryacounterspellcouldbedevised PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!" Colbert finished in a panicked screech. He was backpedaling, like many criminals did when faced with imminent execution. The old man behind the desk suddenly looked _very_ worried. I paused, my hand halfway to my Lawgiver. Unfortunately, I most likely _would_ need his help to open another dimensional rift and get back to Mega City One. And I did need to see if Judge Fear had wound up in this dimension too. _If_ I could find him, I _might_ be able to use his dimension jumper. Or I could wait and see if Tech and Psi divisions could locate me. Lotta maybes. No matter what, I was stuck here for now. I snarled and sat back down.

"_Fine_. You'd better be able to get me back to my dimension." I snarled. The two men relaxed slightly.

"Now, if you're feeling sufficiently calm, I think it's time you are introduced to Miss Valliere" Osmond said hesitantly. I nodded slowly. I wasn't in any particular rush to meet the girl, seeing as I'd probably end up having to pretend to be her familiar or whatever as part of my...what did those guys in the Wally Squad call it? Oh yeah, cover story. Obviously I'd have to iron out some form of employment contract, but that could be done after introductions. I followed the two men out into the hall. The walk to the medical center was uneventful. In fact, if one ignored the ridiculously dressed slavers, this world was actually quite nice. Lots of vegetation, fresh air, water that hadn't been recycled from someone else's piss, it had a lot going for it.

As I stepped into the med-center I saw that the girl, Miss Valliere, was sitting upright in a rather large bed. Speaking of which, I could _really_ go for some sleep right now. Anyways, full bed rest for a measly broken nose seemed a bit excessive. Good news was the healer, I think that's what the matronly looking woman was called, had set and mended the girl's nose. Most likely with psionics, or magic, or whatever these people wanted to call it. The girl looked at me, her eyes still bloodshot and slightly puffy from all the crying. Then she opened her mouth and proceeded to say the single stupidest sentence I have ever heard.

"_There_ you are you stupid familiar. What the hell did you think you were doing striking your master? Clearly I'm going to have teach you proper discipline." All the school staff within earshot went white as the blood drained from their faces. I _barely_ managed to keep my mouth from opening slightly in shock. In response, I stepped forward, twisting my head slightly to crack my neck as I loomed over the miniscule brat.

"Girl, it's rude to make more work for the medics. They just got done fixing your nose. It'd be a shame if they had fix you jaw too." Behind me I could hear the staff shifting uncomfortably. They were probably going for their wands. I could take 'em. I didn't really _want_ to right now; I was suffering from some serious sleep deprivation and didn't want to waste my now limited ammo , but I was reasonably sure I could drop them before I took too much damage. I didn't particularly want to punch out the girl either, but clearly I was going to have to lay down some ground rules. For her part, the Valliere girl went a curious shade of puce. I couldn't tell if it was shame, anger, embarrasment, and I didn't care. Before she could regain control of her vocal chords I continued.

"I am _not_ some pathetic drone for you to order around girl. I am Judge Wolfram of the Mega City One Justice Department and you will address me as such. AM I CLEAR?" I barked in my best hard ass drill sergeant impersonation. She jumped in shock. Obviously she wasn't used to being yelled at by an authority figure.

"B-b-but, 'sniff' y-you're supposed to be my f-familiar..." she was tearing up again. I really hope this isn't going to become a regular occurrence. Behind me I could hear the staff relaxing slightly, reasonably sure that I wasn't going to beat the stomm out of the same student twice on one day. "If I was a dumb animal like those other juves summoned then you might have a point. But I'm _not_, so you don't. Now, _Am. I. Clear?_" I replied in a low growl. Honestly, I thought I was being quite reasonable right now considering how this day had gone.

"But you ar..." the girl started to respond. I silently swore that if she finished her sentence the way I _thought_ she was going to I would put her in a coma. Even the most bloodthirsty, strung out raiders recognized human life, even if they didn't care much about it.

"Louise, think very, _very_, carefully about what you're about to say." The old man, Osmond, interjected. Oh good, looks like _someone_ had a modicum of common sense. The girl, Louise, stopped talking and visibly thought for a second. Then she took a good hard look at me, apparently finally noticing my dented and scratched helmet, massive handgun, fierce scowl, and bloodstained gloves. She then cleared her throat and started again.

"Judge Wolfram, I am Louise Francoise le Blanc de la Valliere and it's a...pleasure...to meet you." She said in an imperious tone and giving a little bow. I noticed that she stumbled a bit on the 'pleasure' but let it slide. Baby steps.

"Better." I grunted. She looked slightly disgruntled by my monosyllabic response, much to my amusement.

"Well, Louise, you should probably head back to your room. I'm sure you and Judge Wolfram have much to discuss." Colbert remarked politely, clapping his hands once as he did so. Louise nodded and hopped out of the bed. Striding past me with her chin held high she commanded,

"Follow me."

"Please."

"What?" She stopped in the doorway, clearly rather nonplussed.

"The proper phrase is, 'follow me please.' Didn't anybody ever teach you proper manners girl?" I growled. She stiffened. Her ears, the only part of her face I could see, turned a luminous scarlet. The green haired secretary, Miss Longueville, put a hand over her mouth to conceal a satisfied smirk. Interesting. Lousie wisely opted to continue walking, muttering something under her breath as she did so. I sighed and followed any ways. A little while later she stopped in front of a nondescript wooden door. As it turns out, it opened into a rather luxuriously appointed room with a massive four post bed, lovely hardwood dressers, a window with an excellent view and...a pile of hay in the corner.

"This is my room. As you can see, there's a pile of hay for you to sleep on in the corner." A pile of hay? Drokk it, I'd deal with _that_ absurdity in the morning. Without speaking a word I walked over to the pile of hay, sat down with my back leaning against the corner, and surrendered to the sweet, sweet embrace of sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

Well damn. You guys really seem to love this. Which is AWESOME! First story ever and it's blown right past all my wildest expectations. (It probably helps that I'm pretty much the only name in Dredd crossovers at the moment). Anyways, since I know you're all probably skipping this to read my kick ass story I'll just say thanks for your support and let you get on with the reading.

Chapter 4

I was rudely awakened the next morning by an irate Louise. The little harpy was yammering on about rudeness, classes, and food. Speaking of which, I was starving. Grudd, I felt like I could go a few rounds with Two Ton Tony right now. I stood up stretched, all my joints clicking and popping as I did so.

"Gaahhhh, I'm going to need a bed. A real one. With a decent mattress and everything." I remarked as I checked my equipment to ensure it was all present and in working order. The pink haired shrew did a double take.

"What are you talking about? Familiar's don't get beds." She scoffed, as if the very idea was the height of absurdity.

"Clearly you suffered brain damage when I hit you yesterday. I am a Judge, a human being, not some _pet_." I growled. I had just gotten a solid twelve hours' sleep, and she was already ruining it. If that wasn't illegal then it _should_ be.

"You're a _familiar_. My magical servant. Speaking of which, you need to dress me." Dress her? Was she so impossibly inept that she couldn't even put on her own clothes? This was ridiculous. For the sake of my own sanity I had to set the record straight once and for all.

"I am a _human_ you developmentally challenged miniscule brat. And under the laws of Mega City One _you_ are guilty of slavery. The punishment is death. How do you plead?" I drew my Lawgiver and pointed it at her forehead. She went white and started stammering.

"B-b-but we're not _in_ your city. Your law doesn't apply here." She was grasping at straws.

"True, but I have a very large gun and the will to use it. You now have thirty seconds to comply. How. Do. You. Plead?" I snarled. I was channeling my inner Judge Dredd. A scowl that could curdle milk through reinforced concrete, iron clad adherence to the law, the whole nine yards.

"I'm sorry." She sniffled quietly. I said nothing. She continued.

"I...I just _need_ this. Summoning you was the only spell I've ever cast properly. Everybody laughs at me and...and they're right. I'm a failure." She started sobbing. Well, that helped explain things. Social pressure, the need to feel in control, circumstances like these often caused people in Mega City One to turn to crime. I holstered my Lawgiver and knelt down.

"That doesn't mean you can take your frustration out on me. But I'll tell you what. Since I don't currently have a way to get back to Mega City One, I am willing to take a secondary position as a body guard." She looked up, still sniffling a bit but clearly hopeful. What? Judges can be diplomatic, we just don't usually have the option.

"I expect to paid, and given a decent bed. You'll take care of food and housing. In exchange, I will pretend to be your familiar in public. Just remember to be polite. Is that acceptable?" She nodded and smiled a bit. I reached down and hoisted her to her feet.

"Good." I extended my hand. She looked at it, clearly confused.

"You shake it. With your hand...no your right hand. There." My stomach growled. Well, okay, it was really more like a roar. Would have given my Lawmaster a run for it's money. What can I say, I was hungry. Louise started slightly, and then bolted over to one of her dressers.

"We'll need to hurry. Don't want to miss breakfast. My mother always said that it's the most important meal of the day." She pulled an outfit from one of the drawers.

"Now dress me." ...What? She seriously couldn't put her own damn clothes on?

"Do it yourself. Seriously, even three year old children can figure it out. It's not _that_ complicated." I headed towards the door.

"But..."

"Nope! Not gonna happen. Ever!" I stepped out into the hall and shut the door behind me. I didn't have to wait long, thankfully. Louise stomped out of her room and started walking down the hallway. I followed her. Eventually we reached the main dining hall. I scanned the room as we entered through large the double doors. It was pretty large, with several long wooden tables running down its length loaded with food. Students filled the seats, and their conversations filled the air. I noted that the walls looked extremely thick, and there were only two entrances. That would make escaping from a potential attack extremely difficult. Oh well. Nothing I could do other than stay alert. I followed Louise towards two empty chairs and sat down. She looked pissed. Again. She stood glowering at me for several seconds. I stared back, maintaining a neutral expression. Which is really pretty easy to do with a helmet on. Eventually she pulls her chair out and sits down, pointing at the floor as she does so. I looked down to see a battered plate in between our chairs. Odd, place like this you'd think someone would have picked that up already. Then she opens her mouth and says,

"Only nobles are allowed to eat at the table." Oh _hell_ no. And here I thought we'd worked past this stomm.

"Girl, does it look like I care?" I growled as I started to inhale anything and everything edible within arms reach.

"What in Brimir's name are you _doing_?! You can't eat yet! We have to wait until after saying our morning prayer!" Louise hissed, shock and anger written all over he face. Wait? For _food_? Drokk that noise, the only thing I'd had to eat in the last eighteen hours or so was a damn ration bar.

"Hey Zero, control your heathen familiar. Or are you incapable of even that?" A chubby juve sitting across from me sneered. I paused long enough to snarl

"Open your fat mouth one more drokking time and I'll eat _you_ lard ass." Then I swiped his plate of food. _He _clearly didn't need it. And hey, who knows? Maybe a little hunger would teach him to mind his manners. He went white. Whether from fear or anger I didn't care. I could take him. By the time the students had finished getting through their interminable prayer I was almost full. As the students began to eat (and occasionally glare at me) I reveled in the simple pleasure of a full stomach.

Eventually breakfast was finished and I followed Louise outside. She walked towards a bunch of tables set on the lawn. There were already a significant number of students seated with their familiars. Maids bustled about, serving some sort of heated beverage and some kind of cake.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"Second years are given the day off so we can get to know our familiars." Louise answered.

"Good, we can hammer out the details of my payment." Louise looked like she was about to retort when an unfamiliar voice called out,

"Well if it isn't Louise the Zero and her familiar." I turned slightly to see a red haired girl kneeling down next to a large lizard. It was also red...and it's tail was on fire. Just the tip though. This place was so damn _weird_. She stood up, her comically large breasts bouncing as she did so. I suspected they were somehow fake. Maybe she used a psionic illusion?

"Kirche" Louise groaned.

"You know, I think you just hired a commoner to _pretend_ to be your familiar and used the explosion as cover."

"You can just shut up! I did the ritual properly, I just got him instead of an animal!" Louise yelled back. I watched, but didn't voice my disapproval. A better response would have been to point out my obviously foreign and highly advanced weapons and armor, coupled with a remark about her brain migrating to her breasts. Clearly I would have to pass on some of Lassiter's lessons regarding witty repartee. The new girl, Kirche, gave a fake sounding laugh walked off, her overgrown lizard following at her heels.

"I _hate_ her!" Louise snarled and stomped over to an unoccupied table. Flopping down in the seat she asked,

"Could you please get me some tea?" I acquiesced, per our arrangement. Looking around, I saw a nearby maid and walked towards her.

"Excuse me citizen, the pink haired girl over there would like some tea." I stated politely. She looked around and, upon seeing me, swallowed nervously.

"O-of course. You must be the commoner Miss Valliere summoned." She remarked.

"No, I am Judge Wolfram. Why does everyone _insist_ on referring to me as a commoner?" I have to admit, it was really starting to get on my nerves. Would it kill these people to just say 'man' for once?

"My apologies," the maid bowed slightly, her short dark hair obscuring her face, "I'm Siesta, and people keep calling you a commoner because you can't use magic. Only nobles can." Hidden behind my visor, I raised an eyebrow. I really should have seen that coming. In a low tech world like this it would be relatively easy for psychics to seize and maintain power. Evidently they had done so.

"Ah. Thank you for clearing that up for me." It was nice to exchange a few words with someone who didn't automatically assume she was superior.

"Hey! Maid! Where's my cake?" A loud arrogant voice rang out. I hated it immediately. Coincidentally, yet another young student walked up at that exact moment. She was short, with a brown cloak and hair.

"Have you seen Lord Guiche?" She asked.

"Why yes, he's right over there. I'll take you to him. Coming Lord Guiche!" Siesta called out as she hustled towards the kid's table, the young student in tow. I took a good look at the little stomm. Foppish blonde hair, a frilly shirt left unbuttoned to expose his skinny chest, the brat reeked of privilege. Literally. If his cologne was any stronger I'd have to arrest him for carrying an illegal chemical weapon. I turned and headed back towards Louise's table, thinking over the implications of a world run by a psychic theocracy. No matter which way I looked at it, this wasn't good. I had made it halfway back to my new employer when I heard shouting and a loud slap coming from behind me. _Fantastic._ Because I really needed yet another incident. Still, the Law required that I investigate any and all disturbances while on duty, which I still technically was. Turning around, I saw the blonde idiot pleading with a blonde girl with carefully curled hair who looked thoroughly pissed, the brown haired girl was crying, and Siesta trying to hide behind her tray. I started walking towards them. By the time I got there the two girls were standing off to one side and Guiche was standing over Siesta brandishing a rose. Siesta was hunched down behind her tray and trembling, apologizing profusely. I've seen people react to yelling like that before... usually after repeated beatings.

"...teach you to respect your betters." The kid was beginning to swing his arm when I grabbed his wrist in vice-like grip.

"What. Happened?" I snarled. I had a pretty good idea already. Kid had the look of a wannabe Casanova, and judging by the two rather incensed girls had gotten caught in the act. Still, I needed proof before any action could be taken.

"Unhand me peasant!" The juve squeaked. I ignored him.

"You, brown haired girl, what happened?" I pointed at the girl who had asked Siesta where some guy named Guiche was. Huh. That meant he was probably the young stomm head I was holding by the wrist right now.

"_I'll_ tell you what happened," the blonde girl barked, "Guiche here was cheating on me with this first year tramp!" She pointed to the girl I had mentally designated 'brownie'.

"He, he said he loved me and wanted to try one of my souffles." Brownie wailed. Grudd, what was with all the crying? Seriously? Was simmering rage too difficult? I sighed and turned to Siesta, roughly throwing the juve's arm out to the side and causing him to lose his grip on the ridiculous rose.

"Siesta, I need a clear and concise a record of events as you can manage." I turned my head to look at the maid, who twitched slightly then started to relax. However, before she could speak, Guiche's high pitched voice rang.

"What a mere maid says doesn't matter. I challenge you to a duel peasant. You will learn to respect your superior!" I turned. The juvie stood there, holding his pathetic rose out in a flamboyant pose. My response was swift and eloquent, delivered in the form of a vicious left hook to side of his face. It was a beauty too. Full rotation of the shoulders, followed through with the hips, my fist rocketed into his face like a Law driven meteor. I smiled as I heard a loud pop, letting me know that his jaw had been dislocated. I slammed him into the ground and zip tied his hands behind his back.

"Listen up juvie," I growled, drawing my Lawgiver, "The charges are Disorderly Conduct, and Menacing With Criminal Intent. The sentence is eight years in a Juve-Cube. How do you plead?" The kid whimpered and garbled something unintelligible. Then he tried to scramble away, but before he could do more than push himself to his knees I slammed my large steel toed boot into the small of his back, pinning him to the ground. A large crowd had gathered and I heard gasps of shock, along with the occasional sob. Really? More crying? Just because one of their classmates ate a knuckle sandwich? These kids are weak. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted the blonde girl with the curls running towards me. Hopefully she wasn't going to do anything idiotic like attack me. Half the feeble minds present would probably go catatonic if I had to defend myself against _her_. Fortunately for the student's mental health, she simply bowed slightly and pleaded,

"Please don't do this! Guiche may be a womanizing pig, but this is just excessive." It really wasn't. I frowned at her and she wilted slightly.

"Please..." she wrung her hands. I was in a bit of bind here. I really _really_ wanted to dump this little bastard in a juve-cube, teach him some manners, but obviously that wasn't going to be possible. And the crime didn't merit execution. I snorted and made my decision. Reaching down, I grabbed the blonde juvie by the scruff of his neck and hauled him to his knees. I then proceeded to roughly reset his jaw, eliciting a sharp shriek of pain. Once that was done I growled

"Can you talk now?"

" 'es" he whimpered.

"Good. Now, you will make a full and comprehensive apology to blondie here, brownie over there, and the maid Siesta. You will not seek retribution in any way against Siesta, blondie, brownie, or myself. If you do not comply with these instructions, I will remove one or both hands. Do I make myslef clear?"

" 'es."

"Fantastic. Begin." The boy managed to slur out an apology to all three of them before Osmond, Colbert, and Longueville showed up.


	5. Chapter 5

Hey everybody! I know, I can hear you already asking, "Spades, where the hell was my new Dredded Zero chapter on Saturday?" Well, to answer your question, I ended up re writing this chapter a few times. But I made it extra long for you in exchange! All right, all right, I'll let you read this while I go start slaving away on chapter 6.

Chapter 5

"BRIMIR'S BLUE BALLSACK! What the _hell_ are you doing!?" Colbert bellowed as he approached. Osmond's face was stony, and Longueville had a slight smirk again.

"Correcting a disciplinary oversight since you're clearly unwilling to do so." I growled. Since I'd been here these juves had been absolutely insufferable, arrogant, self-obsessed, and had shown little regard for human life. Obviously the staff lacked the resolve to teach their students about human rights. Oh sure, I can hear you laugh. What does a Judge care about human rights you ask? Well if we didn't then we wouldn't fight to maintain law and order in Mega City One. So there. Oh look, here comes Louise. This is going to be hilarious.

"Disciplinary oversight?! You beat the shit out of Guiche de Gramont!" Colbert shouted back.

"What the hell were you thinking?! Guiche is a member of a powerful noble family. And you just sucker punched him and humiliated him in front of the entire school! His family will kill us both for this!" Louise looked like she was having a full blown mental breakdown. Hmm, right, medieval culture. Honor duels were probably fairly serious business here. Good. It would give me a chance for a preemptive strike.

"You can't just go around attacking students! It's completely unacceptable." Osmond decided to throw in his two cents. I'll admit, I got angry then. I was used to being shouted at, but the implication that these borderline sociopathic monsters were too precious for a little corporal punishment? _That_ was ridiculous.

"No. Do you know what's unacceptable? A crowd of arrogant children watching as one of their peers prepares to beat a helpless maid to cover up his own failures and insecurities. I don't know what kind of drokked up institution you're running, but I will _not_ allow your failure to teach your students basic human rights stand. I am a Judge and I _will_ uphold the Law. Whether you like it or not." I snarled and stepped forward, looming over the old man. Most of the students had already scattered, but everyone within earshot went white. The students were clearly terrified, and a few looked about ready to stomm themselves. The teachers were visibly worried, but I saw Colbert and Osmond's eyes flick towards Guiche briefly. Then they looked at the maid, Siesta. Then back to me. Their expressions shifted slightly, disapproval and anger sharing space with the worry.

"Is this true?" Osmond didn't address anyone in particular, so I was rather surprised when a small girl with short blue hair and glasses stepped forward said,

"Yes." Then she went back to her book. Osmond managed to maintain a somewhat neutral expression. Colbert...not so much. He looked ready to give Guiche a good beating himself. I noticed, much to my personal pleasure, that Guiche was still where I had left him and looked like he wanted the ground to open up and swallow him. So did Siesta for that matter.

"Tell me _exactly_ what happened Montmorency." Here Osmond addressed the blonde girl who was still kneeling beside Guiche. She swallowed nervously.

"Well, Guiche and I were sitting and talking about our familiars when he requested a slice of cake from the maid." Requested? Yelling at someone for a slice of cake passed as a request? Fortunately most of the adults present seemed to be able read between the lines, judging by the slight frown beginning to crack through Osmond's carefully crafted mask of neutrality.

"Then, the maid came over with that first year tr... in tow." She wisely decided not to finish whatever insult she had in mind.

"She, the first year, said that she had been talking to Guiche last night and that she had brought a souffle for him to try because he'd liked the first one so much. I asked Guiche what she was talking about and he tried to say it was nothing." Blondie's voice started to heat up a little. Either she was the jealous type or the kid had pulled this kind of stomm before.

"Then she started crying, saying that Guiche said he had feelings for her. And after he had just gone on and on about how _I_ was the only one for him! So I slapped him. Then the first year started crying." Well, that certainly explained the slapping sound that had attracted my attention. She continued.

"Since the maid had brought the girl over, instead of just the cake like she was supposed to, Guiche blamed her for the situation. Then the _brute_ walked up." My hand twitched ever so slightly towards my Lawgiver. Osmond must have noticed because he quickly interjected,

"Please stick to the facts and avoid name calling Montmorency." The girl cleared her throat and continued.

"Right, sorry. As I was saying, Louise's familiar walked up and grabbed Guiche's wrist. Then he demanded we tell him what had happened. So I did. When he asked the maid for her side of the story Guiche challenged him to a duel for not respecting his betters." She said that like it was the most natural thing in the world. I suspected these sorts of one sided duels were rather popular among nobles. If duels were held in as high a regard as I suspected, then it would let them beat their servants while allowing everyone else to pretend it was all legal and acceptable. My jaw clenched slightly.

"Then the _familiar_ just punched him! He didn't accept the duel, didn't give any warning, nothing! Who does that?" She seemed truly appalled. Personally I think it's hilarious that these kids just assume someone won't take advantage of a situation like that. Although I suspect Guiche won't make that mistake again. Some of the more worldly or battle hardened mages probably wouldn't either. That could be a problem. I can't get lucky every time. I noticed Colbert looking at me with, well, certainly not _approval_, but possibly something that could be construed as understanding. Coupled with a hefty amount of wariness of course.

"I see." Osmond looked as serious as the grave. He stroked his beard and thought for a second and then cleared his throat.

"Everybody gather round." The students crowded in slightly.

"In light of these recent events there is something I need to impress upon all of you. You're duty, as nobles blessed with magic, is to _protect_ the people who aren't. You're still young so you probably don't realize this, but commoners are just as important as you are when it comes to ensuring this country functions." A couple of students scoffed at this. Osmond clearly noticed because then he said,

"Do you know how to wash your own clothes? Cook? Make shoes? Plant and harvest wheat and vegetables? No. You don't. The maids do. The farmers do. Without them you would starve. So don't harass and beat the people who make your lifestyle possible." I noticed Louise and a couple of other students shifting uncomfortably. Good. Oddly it looked like that red haired girl Louise had argued with earlier was smiling with approval.

"It's time you all grow up. The world does _not_ actually revolve around you, and you are not the most important people in it. I should have taught you this earlier, and I apologize. If you truly wish Tristain to continue to be a wonderful and peaceful place to live then you _must_ learn to better _people_, not just better mages. To demonstrate how privileged you are, for the next week the chefs will cook for you what they cook for themselves. Now everybody go and think on what I've just said." Osmond finished his little speech. It had actually gone better than I expected. Don't get me wrong, those brats should have had work in the fields for a week instead of just eating less fancy food, but like I've said before, baby steps. Once most the students had cleared out Osmond turned back to me.

"I want to make this clear. I don't approve of your methods. Such brutality is _not_ to be condoned." Brutality? Hah, it was just one punch. Wonder how he would have responded if I'd used my Daystick.

"But...you have highlighted certain behaviors that _should_ be addressed, which is the _only_ reason why I won't take disciplinary action. Or just throw you to these children's parents. However, if you do _anything_ like this again I'll kill you myself." I'd had a pretty good day so far, so I let that one pass. So I just nodded and turned to walk away. But before I could take a step Colbert asked,

"Oh, by the way, could you please come to my office later? I'd like to ask you some questions about your world." I turned back and nodded again. He smiled slightly.

I noticed that Louise was looking rather antsy, shuffling from foot to foot. Clearly she wanted to get out of here. In fact, as soon as her teachers turned away she grabbed my hand and tried to pull me after her. I didn't budge, so she turned and whispered

"Can we leave? Please?" I nodded a third time and she walked hurriedly towards the tower where her room was located. It was not to be. Just as we passed through the large double doors the red headed girl...what was her name? Right. Kirche. Stepped out, blocking our...okay, blocking Louise's way. She was followed by the blue haired girl from earlier.

"I must say Louise, your familiar has a hell of a left hook." Kirche smiled at me and swung her hips slightly. Weird.

"What do you want Zerbst? Can't you see I'm busy?" I ignored them and focused on the blue haired girl. She glanced at me over the top of her book.

"Judge Wolfram." I extended my hand.

"Tabitha." She looked at my hand and raised an eyebrow slightly.

"You shake it. As a form of greeting." I explained. Right. They didn't have this gesture here. Odd for a marshal culture like theirs presumably was. She hesitantly reached out and shook my hand. It was actually kind of funny. Her hands were so small that I ended up grabbing most of her lower arm. I looked around to see if Louise and Kirche were still having their little spat when I saw it. A dragon. A real drokking dragon. Blue scales, wings, the whole nine yards. Aaannnd it's sniffing me. I was halfway through drawing my lawgiver when Tabitha swatted it lightly on the nose and said,

"No eating." Then the damn thing _whined_. I stomm you not, it whined, and then pouted. How does a dragon even pout?

"As a Judge I'd like to commend your integrity earlier. It was far beyond the behavioral standard I've come to expect." I said. I ordinarily wouldn't compliment someone on not lying, but this place was so drokked up I felt that any sort of honest behavior should be praised. Grudd, how sad is _that_?

"Thanks?" She replied, raising an eyebrow. She was clearly unsure whether or not it was a compliment. I didn't reply. Oh good, looked like Louise and Kirche have stopped bitching at each other.

"Louise, Colbert wants me to go talk to him. How do I get to his office?" She looked around, but before she could say anything Kirche interjected,

"_I_ could show you how to get there." She smiled, not so subtly jutting her expansive chest out at me.

"Just directions will be fine citizen." It'd take a lot more than a sixteen year old girl for _that_ trick to work. Even if Judge training didn't armor me against seduction, she was underage and at least fifteen years younger than I was. The hell did she take me for?

"Are you sure? It wouldn't be any trouble at all. In fact it might even be fun." Wow, she was really working for this. Nibbling on her fingernail, leaning forward, subtly swinging those dirigibles she called breasts. It was kind of funny, really.

"Positive. Now cease your blatant attempts to seduce me and give me those directions...please." She looked a little put out by that. Fortunately Louise, of all people, decided to help him out.

"Zerbst, stop harassing my familiar. Judge Wolfram, to get to Professor Colbert's office you need to head into the main tower and head up the stairs. Do you remember where Old Osmond's office is?" I nodded. It was pretty hard to forget, it took up the entire top floor.

"Well Professor Colbert's office is on the floor below it. Once your done with him go take a bath. You smell _horrible_." She then walked off, so I turned back around and headed towards the main tower. She was right about the bath. I hadn't had a chance to clean myself up in over two days now. Two days full of running firefights through Blocks that had been turned into bloody charnel houses. I felt truly _nasty_. Oh, and I needed to move my Lawmaster to someplace less exposed to the elements. That bike may be rated for pretty much everything short of a nuclear explosion, but wouldn't hurt to be safe. Especially now that I couldn't just drive it in for a tune-up. Eventually I made it up to Colbert's office. I paused for a second at the top of all those damn stairs. I wasn't particularly winded, but I certainly had a new found appreciation for elevators. I strode forward and knocked on a random door. Why yes, they were in fact labeled, but that didn't help at all because apparently the damn translation spell only covered spoken words. A short pudgy woman wearing a massive black witch's hat opened the door. Her smile became rather thin and strained when she saw that I was the one who knocked.

"Oh. Um. What can I do for you?" She was clearly fighting the urge to slam the door in my face.

"I'm looking for Colbert. Where is his office?" I asked succinctly.

"Down the hall, fourth door on your left." She shut the door as quickly as she could without slamming it. Walking down to the correct door this time, I knocked again.

"Come in!" Colbert called. So I did. His office clearly doubled as a laboratory, with assorted books, beakers, and oddities lining the walls. He even had a very primitive internal combustion engine sitting in a shelf.

"So...I've got a bunch of questions for you, and no doubt you have more than a few for me." I nodded.

"So, are you a noble because you can use magic, or does being magical make you a noble?" I asked. It had been bugging me. Colbert shifted slightly.

"I think I get what your asking. All noble families became nobles because they could use magic, which is passed down by birth. There are occasionally nobles who lack the ability to use magic, like Louise, but they're still considered nobles. That's also why nobles only marry nobles, to increase the probability of their children becoming powerful mages." He explained. Ohhh drokk. So all their nations were run by powerful inbred psychics who believed it was their divine right to rule? Being attacked by Dark Judges was looking better by the minute.

"What about unacknowledged children?" I asked, hoping against hope that _someone_ had thought about the possibility of psychics being born in the general population.

"What?"

"What happens when a noble drokks some random maid and she has a kid? Does he become a noble because he might be able cast spells? How about if the kid is kicked out on to the streets and two generations later his grandson blows someone away with a spell? Is that kid automatically given noble status? Or is he just killed and swept under the rug to preserve the current power base?" Please please _please_ say the kid's given a magical education. Come on, show a little common sense. Live up to your own religion.

"Ummm," Colbert thought about my question, "well, I have no idea. I mean, I suppose it's possible, but I've never heard of it happening." ...Yup. That's about what I expected. Drokking hypocrites.

"Soooo, I have a few questions. First, can I please see your runes?" Colbert continued. Runes?

"What runes?" I was more than a little worried. I'd only been here two days, but I'd already learned that pretty much anything these people did was going to be either idiotic or a human rights violation.

"Well, when a contract with a familiar is sealed, runes are... etched onto... the familiar's...skin." Colbert suddenly seemed to realize exactly what that entailed for the first time. I _hate_ this dimension.

"So... when it felt like my entire arm was catching on fire yesterday, you're saying that was the feeling of me being magically branded." Ahhh, burning hatred and contempt, how I've missed you. Colbert, for his part, looked genuinely guilty.

"Errr, yeah, sorry 'bout that. Umm, may I still see the runes though?" I sighed. Remebering that my left hand had hurt the most, I pulled off my left glove. Then quickly appreciated that my helmet obscured most of my face. It really helped maintain the appearance of neutrality when, in fact, I was extremely surprised and pissed off. Colbert looked at my hand, then quickly copied the runes down on a notebook, frowning the entire time.

"Hmm...swear those look familiar..." he muttered to himself. Well _that_ doesn't bode well.

"Right! Well, my next question is about your technology. I noticed that when you appeared you were riding some sort of two wheeled wagon. Could you tell me about it?" He was clearly _much_ more interested in this than the runes. I didn't want to give too much about my technology advantage away. I'd have to leave out some of the more useful things. Like my bike cannons.

"It's called a motorcycle. A Lawmaster to be more specific. It runs on internal combustion, its tires are made of an advanced polymer to prevent punctures, and it is capable of achieving speeds of two hundred and twenty kilometers per hour." The internal combustion thing was a bit of a lie. The engine was actually a combination of highly efficient internal combustion and a power generator that recharged using pretty much everything in the environment. Heat, leftover kinetic energy from braking, you name it. Colbert looked like he was about to pass out. I caught his eyes glancing towards the primitive engine he had on his shelf. I decided to head off his next questiion.

"Yes, it works similarly to your primitive engine that I saw walking in. Only about a thousand times more powerful. And no, you won't be able to replicate it. You lack the capability to produce several of the more advanced materials used in its construction." His face fell at that.

"Oh, well then, how about the weapon you used to immobilize me? It felt like being struck by a lightning spell." Oh stomm they have those? Of course they do. Thank grudd for rubberized boots.

"This is my Lawbringer. There are many like it, but this one is mine. It's a... well... do you have fire arms on this world?" He nodded yes.

"We have muskets, but they can only fire one shot and take a while to reload." Good, my body armor would probably protect me from any bullets and I could easily trump their rate of fire. Guess this made the mages my first priority. Not that the arrogant drokkers wouldn't have been anyways.

"Yeah, it's like a musket, only infinitely superior because I can fire more than one bullet. We use stun bullets to apprehend criminals. They use electricity to disrupt the human nervous system, allowing for easy apprehension of suspects." Now _that_ was a straight up lie, but there was no way in hell I was going to volunteer the information that my Lawgiver could shoot about seven different types of bullets.

"Fascinating, fascinating, how does it work?" Stomm, how much should I tell him? Or rather, how little could I get away with telling him?

"Well, it's an incredibly complex system, but the basic principle is that the bullets and gunpowder are pre-packed into brass casings." Another lie, but I _really_ didn't feel like trying to explain caseless ammunition.

"Oh, and all my technology is DNA registered, so if anyone but me tries to use my firearm or bike they'll just explode." Colbert looked a bit baffled by that.

"So...it's a form of enchantment?"

"Sure...we'll go with that. Now, my turn. You said Louise was incapable of magic." If she was, it would certainly explain why everyone was such a dick to her.

"Yes, until she summoned you, she was incapable of performing even dot class spells of any form."

"Dot class?" That seriously made no sense. Sure, they may not have the greco-roman alphabet, but you'd think they'd use something a little easier to understand to classify spell power. Like numbers. Numbers were always good.

"A mage's abilities are ranked based on how many elements they can combine. There are five elements. Earth, Water, Fire, Wind, and Void. But there hasn't been a void mage since our Founder, Brimir. So we just have rankings based on the other four elements. For example, a dot class mage can only use one element, but a triangle class mage can use three. Elements can also be combined for a variety of effects. A common example is combining water and wind to create ice." Colbert explained quickly. That...might actually work in my favor. Considering how much these nobles loved the sound of their own voices I might be able to get one to reveal the number of elements he can control before a fight even starts. Or I could just shoot him, or her, repeatedly in the face. Whatever, this information was important. It was always good to know an enemy's strengths and weaknesses. I stood up.

"Thank you, citizen Colbert. Now if you'll excuse me, I haven't had a shower in over two days and could _really_ use one." With that, I left his office in search of some way to get cleaned up.


	6. Chapter 6

Well here it is ladies and gentlemen! The latest chapter! Not much to say in this note, just want to thank all my readers around the world for the constant encouragement and support. Also felt like I should remind everyone (i.e. the people who own the IP's that I'm shamelessly abusing), I don't own Familiar of Zero or Judge Dredd. That distinction goes to Media Factory and 2000 AD respectively.

Chapter 6

If I didn't know any better I'd swear this place was built on coincidences. I say this because as soon as I head out in search of someone who can point me towards a bath, or shower, or even a relatively clean body of water, as soon as I do that, I run into the maid from earlier. Siesta. I walk down two flights of stairs, turn the corner, and literally run into her. She's carrying a big basket full of clothes, which naturally fly everywhere. It looked like someone had put a grenade in the bottom for just this sort of occasion. I sighed and started to help her pick up the scattered clothes. Judging from the way she keeps looking at me and blushing it looks like she's got a bad case of hero worship. _Wonderful_. Not that I don't like people looking up to me or anything, but such adoration usually makes it hard to carry on a conversation.

"Siesta, is there any place to take a shower around here?"

"Oh...w-well, I, um, I'm not..." She went pink and started stammering.

"Deep breaths and full sentences please." She gave me a confused look.

"Shower? What, like when it rains?" Oh well, it was worth a shot.

"Not exactly. How about a bath? Or really any place I could clean all this grime and dried blood off." She blushed some more, then muttered,

"Well, there's the place we servants use. It's down by the kitchens. Come on, I'll show you." And she did. I followed her down to a small courtyard situated between the kitchens and the servants quarters. It was small, grimy, and had a medium sized wooden tub which someone had been nice enough to fill with steaming hot water. To say I was disappointed would be an understatement. Not with how the civilians were treating me. They had been gushingly grateful, calling me their shining knight. No, I was disappointed that, in six thousand years, not one single mage had ever thought to use their magic for something useful or innovative. Like, say, indoor plumbing. Still, the bath felt absolutely fantastic. Thankfully my uniform and armor had kept the worst of the filth off of me, so the water didn't wind up getting _too_ filthy. Which was good. I hate baths for that exact reason. Sure, you feel clean for a little while, but then you end up sitting in water filled with all the stomm you just washed off. I should run the idea of a shower by Colbert the next time I see him. I got the feeling he'd actually work on it. Just like he was supposed to be working on a spell to get me back to Mega City One. _DROKK_! Why didn't I ask him about that earlier? All right, calm down, it's only been one day. He probably hasn't been able to do anything yet. I'll give him a week to make something happen. On that note, I decided I was good and clean. So, I stood up and looked for a towel. Remember what I said earlier about coincidences? Yeah, as soon as I stood up Siesta walked in to the courtyard with one. The timing couldn't have been more perfect.

"Fantastic timing! I was just done." I held out my hand for the towel. Siesta went red. For a second I thought she was having a stroke because because her nose was bleeding too. Of course then it occurred to me that in a medieval society, this was probably the single most horrifyingly embarrassing moment of her life. Eh...she'd get over it. All us Judges did. Sure it was awkward at first, but after a twenty hour shift you tended not care so much.

"Could you please pass me that towel Siesta? I'd really like to dry off...Hey! Siesta! My eyes are up here." I starting to feel slightly objectified, the way she was looking at me. And I'd always wanted to use that line. What? Judges are allowed to have a sense of humor.

"Hmm? OH! Towel...r-right." She _finally_ managed to tear her eyes away from my rippling abs and handed me the towel. I dried myself off quickly and pulled my uniform back on. It was fairly gross, but it wasn't like I had any other clothes so I tolerated it. Besides, I wore far dirtier clothes than this during the Apocalypse War with East Meg One. As I pulled on my boots Siesta cleaned the blood off of her face and mumbled something, still refusing to look at me. I didn't see why. I mean it's just a human body, I've seen tons of 'em in various states of undress and dismemberment. But I digress.

"Sorry, didn't quite catch that." I leaned forward slightly.

"Would you like to eat lunch with the rest of us?" Siesta was still talking pretty quietly, but at least I could hear her this time.

"Grudd yes, I'm starving. Disciplining those arrogant brats can be surprisingly exhausting." I tried for a little levity. Needless to say, a lifetime of living in fear of said brats and their parents seemed to have stifled Siesta's sense of humor. Or maybe she just didn't find the idea of me beating the stomm out of children hilarious. Hard to say.

"Well, not all of them are bad...there's one girl named Tabitha who's quite pleasant." Siesta practically whispered , shrinking away as if expecting me to yell at her for disagreeing. A learned defense mechanism if I'd ever seen one. I merely shrugged and gestured for her to lead the way to the kitchens. I was hungry and had little knowledge of this Tabitha, assuming she was the same blue haired shrimp I'd met earlier.

Lunch was fantastic. There was more hero worship. The head cook in particular seemed to be just _loving_ the fact that I'd punched out two students in as many days. Apparently they'd had problems with Guiche before. But anyways, lunch was great. None of that fancy stomm that didn't fill anybody up like what had been served at breakfast. No, all the servants sat down and ate sandwiches. You know, the good type. The type that had pretty much every leftover in the fridge stuffed between two pieces of bread. Feeling sufficiently full and reasonably clean, I got out of the staff's way while they ran around serving the nobles and went to wheel my Lawmaster into a location that was less exposed the elements; in other words, the stables. I spent some time looking at the horses while I waited for lunch to end. There aren't many opportunities to get close to large herd animals anymore, and I was going to take full advantage of this one... What? Don't give me that look, horses are mostly extinct now. Judges are allowed to take a little time to see the sights every once in a while. Of course, normally there aren't any interesting sights to take in...whatever, I petted horses get over it. 'Ahem', once lunch _finally_ finished I went and found Louise. She was predictably unhappy, this time about me _not_ eating with her. Drokking useless bipolar, flat chested, no talent, pink haired, midget.

"Where were you at lunch?" The terminally annoying would-be slaver screeched.

"I was relocating my Lawmaster. And I thought that, as a _mere commoner_ I, and I quote, am not allowed to eat with the nobles." For that last bit I raised the pitch of my voice to mimic hers and laid the sarcasm on thick as I could possibly manage. Was it juvenile? Yes. Did it highlight her hypocrisy and make me fell better? Indeed it did. It also made her face turn a truly radiant shade of red.

"Don't you take that tone with _me_! You agreed to guard me and how can you do that if you're not even near me? As punishment you'll go wash my clothes!" She screeched. Her sentence made me doubt that her brain paid any attention to what came out of her mouth. As for clothes, if she thought I was going to wash hers she was sadly mistaken. I decided to help her realize that.

"Girl, I spend five days a week in what is basically a war zone. What the _hell_ makes you think I have any idea how to wash clothes? Go ask a maid to do it. _Politely_. Also, you're going to spend the rest of the afternoon teaching me how to read your language." I growled menacingly. Several emotions warred for dominance on her face. Mostly anger and confusion.

"You can't read?"

"Different world, remember?" Louise pouted at that. I ignored her. I doubted she was going to do anything important with the rest of her afternoon anyways.

It turns out the alphabet used here was extremely similar to the roman alphabet used back in Mega City One. That was handy, and really sped things up. There were still a couple of odd letters that had been added somewhere along the way, but that wasn't too much of a problem. Really it just boiled down to me learning the words. Too bad nobody had a translation spell that worked on written languages. Ah well, it kept me busy. Basically I just sat down and did my best to memorize the dictionary while Louise did some homework.

Dinner came and went, and I mentioned that Louise had promised me a bed.

"We can head into town and get it tomorrow. Oh, and you'll need a sword." Louise lounging on her bed, and I was sitting on the pile of hay, lovingly cleaning my Lawgiver.

"No I don't, I have a Daystick and a Lawgiver. I don't even know how to _use_ a sword." I thought the suggestion was idiotic.

"No noble or guardsman will respect you if you don't have a sword." Louise was really hung up on this.

"I don't care about their respect. If I have to fight them, I'll just shoot them with my Lawgiver," I pointed out.

"And if you find yourself in a melee? Or in a crowd?" Why was she so adamant I get a sword?

"Daystick in a melee. Nobody likes getting hit with a hardened titanium baton. It's pretty easy to kill someone with it, if you know what you're doing. As for crowd control, don't worry about it. I'm well equipped for anything and everything up to a small riot." And I was. All Judges went out into the field with various grenades. In my belt pouches I had two: small breaching charges, gas grenades, flash-bangs, and high yield frag grenades. Of course I didn't want to have to use _any_ of them. Even including spares in my Lawmaster I only had five of each type, total. With such a limited supply I'd have to save them for the most dire circumstances.

"Listen, I don't care what you think, you're getting a sword. You _have_ to have one, whether you use it or not." Louise glared at me.

"_Fine_! But if you care about it so damn much, then you're paying." Clearly I wasn't going to win this one. I finished cleaning my Lawgiver and reassembled it. Sliding my beloved pistol back into it's holster, I lay back in the hay and closed my eyes. Tomorrow was going to be interesting.


	7. Chapter 7

'Sup readers? Long time, no upload. I'm truly sorry about the interminable wait, but I _really_ had trouble figuring out what to write for this chapter. I apologize if you find this to be a bit boring, but bear with me the next one will be better (or at least, more violent), I swear. As usual, I greatly appreciate your continued support and own none of the characters or IP's represented here. Now I'll shut up and let you guys read already.

**Chapter 7**

I woke up the next morning feeling rather stiff. Sleeping on hay is alright when you're too tired to care, but I really needed an actual bed. I stood up and stretched, making plenty of noise along the way. I was hoping to 'accidentally' wake up Louise and get our little shopping trip over and done with. No such luck. The kid sleeps like the dead and her snoring sounds like a damn tank engine. So instead I yank her covers off and pull her into a sitting position. Naturally, she jerks awake and starts swearing like...well... me. I'll admit to being slightly proud of this. It means she _can_ learn from me. Good. I quickly exited the room, hearing what was probably a shoe slam into the door just after I shut it. Positioning myself next to the door, I waited for Louise to get prepped for breakfast. Soon enough she stomped into the hall, shooting me a nasty glare as she did so. I studiously ignored her and started walking down the hall towards the stairs.

"I expect you to be more polite when waking me up." The girl snarled as she hustled to catch up. Clearly she wasn't a morning person.

"Tried. Didn't work." I growled back.

"So you just stripped my covers off and pulled me out of bed?" She snarled back, her voice steadily rising.

"Worked didn't it? And pipe down, people are still sleeping." I replied evenly. WE soon reached the great hall, and I paused before the gaudy wooden doors.

"So kid, your call. You want me actually doing my job as a bodyguard at the table or what?" I asked, figuring this way would be easier. Bipolar little brat didn't like me eating with her, but she also didn't like me leaving. Couldn't figure out why, maybe she had an abandonment complex or something. In response to me question the little pink headache flushed and and shuffled her feet slightly before grumbling,

"It's fine if you eat at the table, I guess. Be thankful that I'm so gracious."

"Ohhh yes, Thank you so _very_ much little miss for treating me like an actual _person_." I poured as much sarcasm into the sentence as I could. It was way too early for this stomm. The girl flushed even more, if you can believe it, and shot me a glare before spinning on her heal and pushing through the doors behind her. Following on her heals, I'm greeted with the same sights as yesterday morning, only with fewer insufferable brats stuffing their faces. Thank god. We both sat down and filled our plates. I started eating, ignoring the scandalized stares I got.

"You're supposed to wait until after the prayer." Louise admonished.

"Not my god." I replied between bites. Just then the priest walked out and started the morning prayer, stalling her response. Once they were finished, she turned to me and hissed,

"It doesn't matter Brimir is our holy founder and you should pay him respects."

"Why?" I asked. I was legitimately curious. Back in Mega City One hardly anybody believed in a god of any kind anymore. After all, there was no point in praying to a higher power when it was clearly _humans_ you had to worry about.

"Well. Because he's the founder." Louise replied, as if that explained everything.

"That's not actually a reason." I pointed out.

"Well... fine. He should be worshiped because he was the only void mage. And he founded our religion." She tried to explain. I rolled my eyes, not that anyone could see.

"So...your logic for worshiping an ancient dead man is because he just happened to be strong enough to make people worship him?" I asked cynically. Louise just chewed her lip. Clearly being forced to think about her religion made her uncomfortable.

"Psshh, whatever." She muttered into her food.

After breakfast we headed out to the stables. Louise thought we were going to saddle up a pair of horses. I thought that was hilarious. As we reached the stable doors, Louise stopped and yelled for the stable boy, or whoever the hell took care the animals. I walked in and placed my hand on my Lawmaster's ignition. After it read my palm print and checked my DNA, the bike automatically started with a loud roar. Louise, the horses, the stable boy, and several students within earshot all screamed like the little girls they were. Yes, even the boys.

"What in Brimir's names is that _noise_?!" Louise yelled at me as I wheeled my bike out onto the field.

"_That _is the sound of a Lawmaster. It is my primary means of transportation, and this one has seen me faithfully through many years of dutiful service to the Law. It will also be how we get into town." I answered. She looked at me like I was absolutely drokking insane. I simply threw my leg over the seat and sat down.

"W-where am I going to sit?" Louise asked nervously. Indeed, there isn't a lot of room for passengers on a Lawmaster since the bike is designed for rapid response. So, seeing no other solution, I...had her sit on my lap. Neither of us were thrilled by this. In fact, the miniscule pink brat went on at great length about how monumentally unhappy she was. Once the screeching had died down and I had finished telling her to keep her head down below the wind screen we set off.

The trip into town didn't take very long, but the girl's panicked screaming made it seem like a lot longer. I mean, sure, the Lawmaster goes faster than a horse but we were barely doing fifty miles an hour because of the dirt road. But eventually the town came into view. By my standards it was more like a small village with a few thousand inhabitants max. It seemed to be fairly busy, with assorted pedestrians and wagons all milling about. Or at least they _were_ until I decided to rev the engine. That made a hole _very_ quickly and netted me a few murderous looks. Most people just looked fascinated and a little scared of my bike. I found that amusing. Anyways, I parked it in the street next to a long low railing that a bunch of horses were tied to and turned off the motor. Louise gingerly hopped back onto solid ground and, for a moment, I thought she was going to drop to her knees and start kissing the sidewalk.

"That was the most terrifying experience of my entire life." She glared at me. I was about to reply, but caught sight of some idiot trying to touch my bike.

"Halt!" I barked at him, stopping him cold. The man, who was rather nicely dressed, glared at me and haughtily said,

"Show some respect commoner. I am a Magistrate and therefore far above your station. Now, what are _you_ doing with such an impressive piece of magical engineering?" His tone annoyed me, a lot, so against my better judgment I snarled back,

"Stopping an idiot from getting himself fried." The man looked a bit puzzled, as if his primitive mind couldn't quite understand that I had just insulted him. Behind me I heard Louise shift nervously. No doubt she realized by now that this pompous stomm-head would wind up seriously injured if he maintained his present course of action and was getting a bit worried about the consequences.

"Such insolence. I should have you arrested." He harrumphed and placed his hand on my bike. This triggered my bike's DNA check, which he naturally failed. That's when the counter-measures deployed, pumping the dumb-ass's body full of nearly four times the lethal amount of Amps for a human body. The man didn't even have time to scream before the sheer amount of electricity pumping through him caused him to catch on fire and be blasted backwards into the middle of the street. Well, I _did_ warn him. Sort of. Anyways, people started screaming and backing as far away from me and my hilariously lethal vehicle as they possibly could. Behind me I heard Louise whimper as she realized just _what_ she had been riding on. Heh. Ah well, time for some damage control. I activated the small megaphone built into the gauntlet on my left arm and addressed the crowd.

"Attention citizens. Do NOT touch my vehicle. Doing so will kill you. And if, by some miracle or act of magic, you _don't_ die, then _I_ will kill you." Everyone in the crowd stared at me, fear evident on their faces. Good, maybe that way they would take my warning to heart and not do anything stupid. Behind me Louise whispered,

"Umm, can we please go now?" I nodded and turned around.

"Yes. Mattress first."

"Then the sword. You seriously need a sword." She reminded me. Damn, I'd been hoping she'd forget that.

"No. I really don't." I complained as we set off. Was it childish? Yes, but having an unfamiliar weapon forced on me when I had several perfectly good ones already was a little annoying.

Buying a mattress for me to sleep on was incredibly easy. The shop didn't exactly have a fantastic selection, but I didn't need anything particularly fancy. I quickly found a reasonably comfortable mattress and Louise bought it and paid for it to be shipped to the castle. All in all it took around twenty minutes. After that we headed to the weapons shop, which was a bit further away. Or at least that was the plan. Louise, being the loudmouthed pink air-head that she is, got us both lost. After wandering around for an hour we finally stumbled across a run down looking armory in an equally run down part of town. Louise wanted to leave and find a 'better' (read: prettier looking) shop, but I grabbed her and pulled her inside. After all, I just needed a sharp piece of steel with a handle attached. It wasn't like I was planning on using the damn thing anyways.

"Put me _down_!" The pink headache screeched as I shouldered the door open.

"Gladly" I growled, dumping her on her ass in the middle of the shop. The shopkeeper just stared.

"Just who the hell do you think you are?!" Louise bounced up off the floor looking like she was about to start throwing punches.

"A Mega-City judge who is currently sick of your stomm and would like to get home." I answered with my best Judge Dredd deadpan. Louise glowered at me for a few seconds before stomping over to the shop keeper, who currently looked like he just wanted the ground open up and swallow him.

"You! Shopkeeper! My fa-ahhh _bodyguard_ needs a sword." Louise barked at the old man behind the counter. He looked over at me and raised an eye brow, clearly realizing that I did _not_, in fact, need a sword in order to kill every one in my immediate vicinity. He then looked at Louise, recognized her as a noble, brightened up, and pulled out an extremely shiny and gaudy looking sword.

"Well, in that case m'lady, this is the sword you want. Best I have!" Louise looked at the shiny and clearly ornamental sword appreciatively. I knew better. Anything _that_ fancy would be completely useless in a real fight.

"It's a piece of stomm." I pointed out. If the brat was going to insist on buying me a sword, then it would at least be something I could eviscerate people with dammit!

"But it's just like the ones I've seen famous generals wear at official functions!" Louise insisted. The shopkeeper just gave me a resigned look.

"Yer violent friend is right girly. That's a piece of crap right there. Would _never_ hold up in a real fight. Now _me_, I'm a fine piece of smithing if I do say so myself!" A scratchy voice piped up from a barrel of rusted weapons.

"You shut up Derf! Your gonna scare away my customers again!" The shopkeeper snarled in response to this sudden interruption. I walked over to the barrel, expecting to find some punk juve hiding behind it playing a joke. How I _wish_ that was what I found.

"Yeah, down here ya big mountain o' meat. Dear founder, do eat _bears_ or something?" The voice seemed to be emanating from _sword_ of all things. How did that even work? I doubted they had A.I.'s and speakers on this planet. I grabbed it out of curiosity. I wasn't sure how a sword was supposed to feel when you held it, but this one seemed like a natural extension of my arm. That was probably a good thing, considering the only other experience I had with bladed weapons was knives. The sword itself was rather plain looking. It had a handle wrapped in leather and the blade looked like it was still quite sharp, despite being covered in rust.

"This one'll do." I declared, putting it down on the counter.

"But it's all covered in rust and boring looking." Louise objected, clearly still enamored with the shiny useless piece.

"All it has to do is cut people," I growled back, "how much?" The shopkeeper opened his mouth to reply, but Louise just threw a small bag of coins at me and stomped out the door.

"Whatever, I'm done with this!" She pouted over her shoulder.

"I swear, I'm going to _kill_ that little brat." I snarled under my breath. The shopkeeper looked at me nervously and then said,

"Oh, that old thing? Ha ha ha... are you sure you don't want something nicer?"

"No. I don't even want a sword in the first place. I'm perfectly capable of defending myself without one, but that little pink _headache_ just wouldn't let it go." I replied hotly. Normally I was much calmer when dealing with civilians, but this world was just so _irritating_. At least in Mega-City One when I told someone something they usually realized that I knew what I was talking about and got out of my way.

"Well then, umm, I'll sell that to you for 100 Ecu." The old man replied hesitantly.

"I'm worth way more than that!" The old sword objected.

"No, you're really not." I countered. Opening the coin bag, I started counting out one hundred coins when an earsplitting shriek filled the air. Louise..._stomm! _


End file.
